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:: Essays: Seeking The Uncertain (Spirituality)

At this very moment, I would prefer to be asleep. Perhaps, sleep would help cease the never-ending thought process. Yet, abiding the fate’s cruelty, I am awake against my Will. The only way that could stop me from going insane is by putting an end to Thinking and since that is not happening, letting the thoughts out seems to be the only solace. Hence this writing. It bears no other significance than a venting act.


It seems like a non-existing past. Memories serve selectively…I know something happened but I cannot fetch the entire story out of the grave of my past. I remember the days when I didn’t know who I was. I was Ok then…Life kept me too busy to indulge in any soul-searching act. It was a usual life. I was happy in good times and sad in bad times. I was too busy living my ordeal.


Then came a time, when I was struck by the philosopher’s sickness, Inquisitiveness. I started asking questions about SELF. All of a sudden I sensed a lacking. Life seemed to have everything yet missing on something very important. I couldn’t accept Life that missed out on something. I wanted to change my Life. If there was any such thing as Destiny, then I wanted to change it too. I set out on the exploration of universe to find out what was wrong with my SELF. At many junctures, I felt I have cracked the puzzle. Smile flashed my pride to reflect the satisfaction I experienced. But the moment of glory was short-lived. After the mist of wisdom evaporated, the ever-lasting Thirst for the Incomprehensible continued. Life went on, taking me to new levels of conceptualization. At each stage, a layer of my Personality was peeled off, leaving me feeling lighter than before. It should have stayed that way considering the past pattern, but it didn’t. Somehow I ended up feeling heavier than ever before.


While I rejoiced the continuous discoveries of the same old SELF, unexpectedly I was struck by fate’s most fatal blow. It transformed me to what I am at this moment. And what I am is so disgustingly complicated that it has driven me on the verge of losing my sanity.


The THINKER was always there within me. Yet he was dormant in the initial stage. Then something I did woke him up and he started chattering. There were times I could ignore him. Sometime he held my reins and I was driven according to his Will, at other time I was able to hold my grounds against him. Life was still acceptable that way. But what I have got myself into now is totally unacceptable. Now, there is just the thinker and I have been paralyzed. It’s like He has sucked out all my energy and left me passive. Now, I watch the Thinker day in day out, dragging me around as per his will as if I am some sort of tin can that hangs by His bicycle. He is going a smooth ride, while I am being dragged across the worst tracks.


At times, I wonder, if all this was destined or if I called it upon myself. If I logically analyze it, I would say at every point I made my decisions based on the given situations. If it were to go my way I should have been living the normal comfortable life. Why would I with all my sanity call such a curse upon my SELF. No way! Things just happened against my Will.


Obviously, it was not in my hands. Now, the question is who, if not me. So I would assume that it was pre-determined, since I need some concrete explanation. And that gives rise to mixed feelings within me. I am satisfied that there is an answer as well as shocked to know the answer. I scan through the legion of words and concepts that are accessible and come up with one option with infinite variations. The option called GOD. Now, the question is if it is in God’s hand and He had written something I didn’t desire, how can I think of convincing Him to change what is written. By instinct, I try to negotiate. I offer my good will, my respect and some offerings that he may not use but still appreciate. I even try to strike a deal with him. If he gives me what I want I will return his favor in a huge way.


Yet this doesn’t solve my problem. Life is still unpredictable and often unacceptable. So even the GOD is of not much help, I guess. Perhaps, there is someone above him too. Perhaps that someone has given limited authority to GOD. In that case that someone has to be the Supreme Being. Why then should I worship God, a mere Mediator. I will directly target the big fish.


So I began learning more about the Supreme Being. I scan through the accumulated knowledge provided by people who claim to have experienced the Unsharable and yet tried the impossible feat of penning down their divine Experience. And somewhere, dimly through their changed lives they portray a possibility of a ‘happy life ever after’.


And that being my main concern, I start on the trail of the Supreme Being. While, on the trail, I realize that the Supreme Being resides within each and every entity that forms the universe. But obviously, I am counted in it. So now the question is am I searching for my SELF or is it the SELF searching for me. Am I supposed to go on a lookout for the SELF or wait for the SELF to find me out. Whether it is the Supreme Being that is within me or am i being within the Supreme Being. Either way, the Supreme Being is the superior one. And it is all existing so that means all there is, is the Supreme Being. Then where am I. At any given moment, I cannot deny that I am present and Supreme Being is nowhere in sight. Does this mean that I am the Supreme Being. If I am the Supreme Being, then I shouldn’t lack anything. I should be complete, perfect and whole. But that is not the case either. What a mess!


I wonder why I didn’t choose easier achievable targets like love, money or fame. I would have slogged and based on my efforts rewarded accordingly. But I aimed at the most impossible of all targets. I went after Enlightenment, the only source of knowing the unknown – the Supreme Being. But Enlightenment was different than any other target. It didn’t depend on my Dedication but my Destiny. Now, how could I plead before Destiny? I was fighting it all the time.


So I am back to square one. I started with a feeling of emptiness and I still sense the emptiness. The only difference that has taken place is that now I am dead before death.


I interact with people as if I am not with them mentally. I go for entertainment all the while thinking that the whole thing is an illusion. I set myself targets only to be reminded in the next moment that I am not running the show of my life. Why am I fooling myself.


My days pass now as if it is a portrait of a forsaken desert. There is no season anywhere in the picture…only the mind-numbing void. Yet in the backdrop of all this there is still a distant sound of the ongoing chattering about something futile that even the chatterer has now become aware of.


So there is this life and I am neither interested nor disinterested in it. I can’t even figure out my state of mind. I am supposed to be a human, but I can’t identify myself being it. I simply get the feeling that I am not it. But then there is still some sort of experiencing of emotion. It is not about pain or joy, nor about failure or achievement and neither about conflict or peace. Now, all there is a limitless void and a succumbing SELF.



- On the verge of Ego Extinction!

(…can’t be sure though!!)

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